My Balogna Has A First Name, It's O-S-C-A-R

-Oscar Mayer Balogna song

Last night I was in the (unfortunate) mood to watch the ever-so-boring, self-backpatting Oscars. As usual, my thoughts afterwards were more along the lines of "Why in the heck would mere mortals watch this bunch of crap". Normally it’s for the fashion, but man, I must say, this year I really was not impressed in that department. Nothing show-stopping, nothing out of the ordinary. Evidently, Chris Rock’s commentary was enough to assuage me into watching a little more, and some of the highlights for me were seeing Morgan Freeman win, just cause I love listening to his voice and I’ve always enjoyed his work, and Jamie Foxx’s touching speech (how can you not love a man that can sing, play piano, act, look good AND love his grandma.

But who really took the cake, was the nauseatingly revered Beyoncé. Don’t get me wrong, Beyoncé is a bootylicious woman by all means, but as many of my friends will attest to, I’ve been pretty much sick of her for the last year, I mean talk about overexposed! I was confused for a second, was I watching the Oscars or The Beyoncé Show? For all you Beyoncé fans out there, you might not want to read what I’ve written next, but here goes anyways...she is a mediocre singer. All that octave-hopping voice-fluttering does not impress me into thinking that she can actually sing.

Much to the total, complete, utterly mortifying embarassment of the songwriter of the French song from Les Choristes, I’m sure all of France in the wake of last nights performance is going " What up wit dat?" Who’s bright idea was it to get Beyoncé to sing in French. Franchement! Just because you put an accent to decorate your name does not, by all means, make you fit to sing in French. Being a fluently french Blogueuse, I really strained to understand the words, and only made out like 3 of them. For crying out loud, she sounded like she was singing in the imaginary language of Cirque du Soleil more than anything else...maybe she should go to Las Vegas and apply. I mean if they really wanted to present a French song while still appealing to the American public by getting a singer that is familiar to them, get Céline for Christ’s sake (I can’t believe I’m actually endorsing her!) And if Céline’s pricetag is too heavy, there’s always Lara Fabian, or even Vanessa Paradis (who looked mindnumbingly bored everytime the camera zoomed in on her and Johnny....

At this point, I’m really starting to think that they just wanted to get the hiphop crowd interested in watching the Oscars, which traditionally tends to attract stuffy, white, cinema snobs. Between Puffy, Jay-Z, Beyoncé, and Chris Rock its was like watching the Soul Train Awards. Listen, I’m all for making the Oscars hipper but I draw the line at having a Texan hootchie-mama sing a french song really badly. Is Oscar Mayer hiring anyone to sing their baloney (or is it bologna) song? I hear Beyoncé will sing for just about any paycheck. Now that’s something I’d wanna see!