PROMISE OF A NEW DAY

- Paula Abdul

Pacino is out of town this week. He took off on Saturday for a business trip to the capital (what most of you taxpayers would probably consider a big waste of our hard-earned money) but which Ottawa considers money well spent...ah well, at least it seems he’s working hard, starting at 8:00 am and ending around 11:00 at night. So, for the first time since like 1998, we’ll be apart for more than a week. I know this is gonna hurt his ego, but although I miss him at night - our usual supper-time conversations, mooshing together on the sofa and for other obvious reasons - I’m not really pining over him. Although I’m generally not one to pine (especially considering he’s only an hour and a half away, and not in Kuala Lumpur), things are so busy at work and at home trying to bring the house into some semblance of order after the whole holiday extravaganza (where you shove everything in one room in a heap of wrapping paper/credit car bills/exercise equipment/clothes/skates) clutter that you swear you’ll put away later... that I haven’t really had a chance to actually miss him all that much...he’s gonna kill me when he reads this. Already he was kind of smarting after I told him I was finally gonna get some peace and quiet when he told me he was going away. I couldn’t help it though, I was just trying to rile him up and bug him a little for fun. I told him I’d have a week off from cooking, cleaning (I can be such a slob!), that I’d be able to read in peace, play my video games which I’ve neglected for months and watch the programs that I liked to watch rather than watching only news and sports.

Sure enough, the first thing I did after dropping him off at the train station was to do something I’ve never done on my own...go to McDonald’s for supper. With coupons. WHO DOES THAT? I felt like a trailer mom. First of all, I only visit the Golden Arches like max twice a year since I’m not a fastfood junkie. But anyhow, I didn’t feel like cooking for myself, and strangely enough there were coupons hanging out at home in the "junk-mail" zone. During my little binge, I couldn’t help but think that my scrawny and dilapidated Big Mac looked nothing like the juicy , perfectly centered and layered ones you see on TV, what a scam...Ah, what do you expect for 2$, at least the fries were hot.

Hopefully, while he’s away, I’ll actually be productive and get stuff done rather than being sucked into TV addiction. Since I normally am NOT in control of what we watch, I just avoid watching TV altogether. I have to say though that I’m curious to see how the French language leaders’ debate will turn out. Every election season I can’t help but notice just how yawn-yawn boring the English debates are compared to the French ones. Call me biased, but most Quebecers are completely politics-obsessed, and every Jean, Guy, and Stéphane has an opinion and a burning question. Usually they are very vocal and I’ve seen some discussions practically come to blows on any subject ranging from aboriginals to daycare to hospitals to separation. We are a hot-headed lot, and we follow politics with a passion that I just can’t seem to pick up on in the rest of Canada. Every average Joe seems to be informed about the hot topics and have an opinion to voice. In any case, I know Quebec has a bad rap in the rest of Canada because of the Bloc Quebecois, but over the years I’ve gone from being completely Anti-Bloc to actually understanding their point of view. Not that I vote for them or anything, but they do a great job in protecting Quebec’s interests and the only reason I don’t support them is because of their separation mandate. HOWEVER, and this is a big however...I don’t understand why the rest of Canada panics at the word separation. Can you all not see through the theatrics? Living in Quebec, I see that most of us don’t support separation. Most Quebecers support the Bloc for other reasons than separation. The separation issue has haunted our economy for years, and just when things are going well, the last thing anyone is thinking of is separation. The only reason why the Bloc continues to blab about separation at every soundbite is just keep the die-hard, union-obsessed separatists happy (the ones that keep the funding of the party going). But the rest of you Canucks can’t seem to see through his bluff and tremble at the thought of another referendum, and as usual you are held hostage by the french. Enough about this now....
I still have no idea whom to vote for. This time around the selection is so bland that it’s hard to commit to one or the other. On one hand, you have Harper who seems like the devil incarnate, with the ice-blue stare that creeps you out, and that fake smile that you know hides some scary secrets. On the other hand, you have Martin who has proven himself to be untrustworthy and foolish for trying to make us think he knew nothing of what was going on during his stint as Finance Minister. Then you have Layton, who although has great ideals, would bankrupt our country with social programs - where it the balance between business and social programs??? And lastly we have Duceppes, whose equally ice stare creeps me out and who will sweep Quebec regardless on if I vote for him or not (especially in my neck of the woods). Although I did have a nutty idea...if ALL of Canada voted for Duceppes and the he became PM, he would have no choice than to lead his country, the country of CANADA as representative of its people...maybe that would stop all this separation crap. N-e-how...

I have figured out a better way to elect a prime minister....I think we should hold a political version of American Idol but instead have the political leaders come up on stage and perform every week while the country eliminates them one by one by voting with 1-900# phonecalls (donate the charges to social programs)....Think about it, wouldn’t it be cool to have Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul on the panel judging our future PM (maybe was can add Rex Murphy as a guest judge). One week, we’d have "country" week, where each one would have to sing country songs, and of course Randy would tell Harper "You’re the man Dog, you’re the man!", while telling Martin to loosen up. Another week we could have Quebecois fiddle folk songs which would have Duceppes shining brightly but have Simon telling Harper his performance was "excruciating". Another week would bring us sea chanties/beer songs for our hard-working type Layton to steal the show.

And where would that leave Martin you ask....well have you ever heard the man sing...well consider yourself lucky if you haven’t. Last year, during an episode of the hit Quebecois show "Star Academie" (our version of an Idol-type show), Martin appeared on the show (a publicity stunt to boost youth appeal during his lagging popularity post-Gomery disguised as a guest appearance). During that show, he joined the contestants in a sing-along in what was the most off-tune, "pitchy" ear-splitting performance I’ve heard. So "appalling" in fact (as Simon would so aptly describe it) that even if he were to change his party’s tune to "Promise of a New Day" in hopes of winning over the easy judge, even Paula would have to say "Paul honey, I’m sorry, but you’re just not right for this competition".

All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth

- Don Gardner

Another yuletide has come and gone. Good times were had by all. I can’t complain. Well, maybe a little.

All in all I had a grand time. My parents, my in-laws, Curly and Sylvester (Curly’s fiancé), Pacino and I, all drove down to T.O. to spend time with our extended families (uncles, aunts, cousins, grandparents, friends). Things went well in general except that Pacino can get a little high strung when the pressure is on, which leads to retarded arguments on the basis of nothing. Whereas I tend to be the more laid-back, fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kinda gal. The spontaneous with the well-planned & organized can sometimes erupt in a messy argument. N-e-how, nothing serious, but I guess I was PMS-ing around the same time so the tears were quick to flow, which made me feel stupid and made him feel like a cretin.

We partied, ate way TOO MUCH, spent time with family, though nearly not as much as I’d wished. Some of the cool things I got to do was to have a board game night with family and friends including Scarbie, which makes me think - the more I get to know her the more I think that if I’d grown up in T.O. that her and I would have been tight as 2 tits in a push up bra (I so love how her mind works and her sense of humor - I also got to meet Nate - cute as a button that kid, and what beautiful eyes). My husband surprised us all with his knowledge of all things Tibetan (Yeti that is) while playing Cranium, we’re still laughing over that one - I guess he still has the ability to surprise me from time to time (and I thought his trivia stopped at sports).

I also got to skate for the first time in 15 years (I know, I know, what kind of Canuck you say?). Well, I hadn’t skated since my early teens, not since the boobs and hips and a few extra pounds had kicked in. Needless to say, my centre of gravity ain’t the same as it used to be, but I did have a fab time and decided to start skating again.

As for New Year’s, I had a small intimate party with some F&F. Drank too much as Trekkie and I tried to make Cosmopolitans that ended up tasting like Benadryl. I was under the effects of a starter buzz before half my guests even showed up - I am such a cheap lush! N-e-way, now that we bought this cool glass and metal retro bar for our basement, I can start practicing to make martinis, but I gotta run out and buy some Triple Sec first. Grand Marnier just didn’t cut it, hence the Benadryl taste.

I got some cool presents. Curly and Sylvester game me this awesome book. Mamina actually surprised me this year and bought me a really cute pink coat that I love. OK, now most of you who know me know that I would never ever combine the words cute, pink, and love all in one sentence. After all I was a Metalhead in my youth and thought that my Black Years had totally obliterated any girlhood affection to all things cute, pink or girly. First off, I’ve always hated pink (aside from Magenta or Fushia that I love). For years, I’ve either opted for neutrals or strong deep colors, never pastell-y cutesy colors....but lo and behold, I love the coat and I feel so girlish and flirty in it (words not often associated to myself, who tend to be no-nonsense, ballsy, and generally disdainful of all things girlish and flirty, preferring Bette Davis over cream-puffesque Sandra Dee.). I guess that even after 31 years, you can still surprise yourself and you shouldn’t take yourself for granted and try new things. I skated and wore a pink coat in the same week!

As for resolutions, after a hectic year of renos and hard work, this year I resolve to have more fun. How about that! No mention of weight loss, or budgeting or other boring things. Yes folks, I want to have more fun. As we get older, our everyday life tends to creep in and steal every minute of our day, making each day seem like the other till we’re so numb that we haven’t realized that our life has gone by. So this year I plan to break the monotony and go out of my way to have fun. I will ski, I will skate, I will shop, I will laugh too loud, I will eat, I will drink, I will love, I will soak in the tub, I will dance, and sing out louder than I usually do, I will travel, and sleep too much or not enough, I will rock my husband’s world (and he sure better rock mine) and I will try to make it contagious so that everyone I know gets bitten by the fun bug too.

So here’s wishing all of you an awesome year 2006 and may you all be healthy and have loads of fun. Oops, I forgot, I dedicate this post to my little godson whose 2 first teeth (bottom front) popped out on Christmas Day! Armed with 2 sharp mini-Chiclets, his drooly smiles are priceless! Smile pibsqueak, your fairy godmother luvs ya!